Life Thus Far

The greatest battle is between what you know and what you feel.

Never before had a phrase resonated with me as much as this one did. Granted I’d read it a while back but only recently did it come to the front of my mind.

I have been away from this blog of mine a minute but I’m back now. I trust you all have been well unlike myself.

I began with that quote because of an incident that happened a few weeks back. The girl who broke my heart, who inspired me to share my pain here as a way out, texted me. Now I know what you are thinking, “It’s just a text what’s the big deal?.. So what?”

I know it seems petty but it wasn’t. Over the past two months I had made significant strides in erasing her from my thoughts. There were nights I woke up having been dreaming of her sweating with my heart pounding in my ears. Any thought I got of her traumatized me because it would elicit so many memories which would in turn cause feelings to start creeping back.

So you can imagine what I was going through when I saw that text. Worse still it was 6.30am so right away I knew I was going to have a horrible day-which I did.

I sat up in my bed for 10 minutes gathering my thoughts that had just been derailed seconds after waking up. I called my best friend and told her everything and she could feel my voice tremble as I treaded the thin line between anger and sadness. We spoke at length and she did her best to cheer me up but that ship had sailed already.

The reason for all this is to show the aftermath of every heartbreak is very difficult. You get over the hurt but you struggle so much to fight the memories.

Feelings fade. Memories don’t.

When you keep yourself away from that person it is because you want to move on from them and get on with your life. When that person disrupts your process, it is the equivalent of disarranging a room belonging to someone with OCD; it is nerve-racking.

The only thing that keeps you going is the thought that everything happens for a reason, call it fate, destiny or God, whichever suits your liking. Change is inevitable and all we can do is accept this change rather than fight a losing battle. I’m not a sob, I’m a man who loved, made mistakes and if that is wrong then go take your opinion elsewhere.

Most people are of the opinion that when a man ends a relationship all is well. This is only true if he didn’t love her anymore or she cheated.

When you love someone as much as I did and then they go and mess with you the way she did guaranteed you will find yourself in my shoes. However, I refuse to let her define me. I refuse to dwell on a past that could have been and instead choose to focus on what is coming. This is life so far.

Rather than asking for a lighter load, ask for a stronger back.

 

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