Just a random thought

So I had this random thought…

One I’d been thinking about since you sealed whatever fate I thought we had. I was just wondering if you thought about your actions, how they’d affect me, how I’d get up every morning and get in the shower and go to work and be productive without feeling the need to  sell everything I own on this Earth and move to Nepal to live as a goat.

Tell me, did you stop to think?

I know we had been through a lot, I take the blame for all our problems, but in all that while I never lied to you. Even when I told you I felt we needed to put to an end whatever we shared I was always honest with you. Though it was twisted thinking, I was trying to protect you; from the hurt that you’d have gone through loving someone who didn’t love you in equal measure.

Did I stop to think?

Yes I did, I thought a lot about how it would affect you, how I’d hurt your feelings, but in the end I always looked to the ‘greater good’,that you’d find someone more deserving of your unconditional love than me.

Did you stop to think?

that when you told me you were leaving me for good that December I would change? Because I did. In your eyes I saw all the hurt I’d put you through in 6 months and I just couldn’t bear to think of living with myself while carrying that guilt. So I begged you for one more chance to set things straight. Sadly that was not to be.

Did I stop to think?

When I got tired of the back and forth, when I refused to admit to myself how much I loved your constant nagging and phone calls late into the night, I decided to put myself out of my misery. I ended it with you, saying I could no longer do it and giving some flimsy reason to justify myself and help me sleep better at night.

Did you stop to think?

That I would come to love you as I did? You must have, because I had never thought and still do not think I will come to know a love as pure as the one I saw from you. I was in a love Utopia, one I hoped would never end for the rest of my days. Many nights I dreamed of a future;my future, our future.

Did I stop to think?

That even for one moment you would cite my flaws which I had all along as the reason to end things with me? I never did. I loved you, I gave myself to you, I always put you first, I always stood by you. I always went to sleep and woke up with a smile as I thought of you. Many at times I stole small moments to touch your hand or run a finger against your skin just to feel that electricity pulsating up and down my skin.

Did you stop to think?

Of how I would feel when you said you would never see another individual, not just me but anyone else, only to find out through other channels that it was all a lie? Didn’t I deserve some decency of a gentle let down rather than a near heart attack in the middle of a street in Westlands?

Did I not do enough justice by you to tell me the truth?

I tried everything-deleting your number, deleting my posts of you, deleting your photos from my phone.. But it was all too much. There were too many memories and not just in the photos and the posts, but in my heart. It was all too much to erase in one single swoop. Now I see your face everywhere, except in my happiest dreams. I can’t sleep at night without thinking of all the things I’ve done wrong and how this is God’s way of punishing me for all of them.

But then again, it’s just a random thought.


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