Dear Wanjira

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Oh, lads do you hear that name? Because it’s one of those that are backed by a personality so rare there’s a feel to them. How can anyone not love that name? It has a ring that resonates inside of me when you said it the first time.

Please don’t be creeped out. Stay with me now

“Oi, how do you know all this lakini?” you ask.

Then I go “I’ve been single so long I have radar when good vibe strikes me.” Wanjira, she of her father, known throughout her village and the ridges adjacent, how is it that a man such as I am worthy of you? I know that luck sometimes falls on lucky chaps but I never imagined one day it would be me. I say this Wanjira because you’re right up there in the list of incredible things to happen to me.

I am my mother’s son and I am an old fashioned guy. Probably after I almost (read definitely) gag on syllable two of my name trying to get your number, I will confidently ask you over to my place after we’ve just had our first coffee date. I hope you like coffee or tea. Even if we share a tub of Lyons Maid ice cream, will it matter? The second time will be at my place, probably a bedsitter if I’m lucky it will be a one-bedroomed house. I hope it won’t matter, after all, am I the star attraction of the evening or is the house? Okay, it’s good we have that out the way.

The place will have a decent colour palette, so that when I buy those 55bob yellow bulbs it will look like a Trattoria-style Italian restaurant, all paired with some low humming music you can barely discern at first.

Then I shall offer you a cocktail of sorts because, well umm… eer. I just can’t explain how it turns out the way it does but it gets the job done so it’ll just have to do. I promise it really isn’t that bad.

We’ll head to the couch and sit, the both of us upbeat as we make small chat over the sound of the music and the waft of food coming in ebbs and waves almost certainly tickling your senses. Then you’ll hear the music change for the first time and turn around to find me gone,the artwork on the walls or framed photos will distract you. Don’t be shy, stand and pick one up. I’m betting your eye will catch one of me in my younger days, no taller than a stool; cheeks chubby, eyes bubbly and drooling for the camera. I’ll the return and you’ll flash me that smile, expression changed as you ask if indeed it is I or a cousin of mine. I want to say in advance indeed it is I.

Holding a side of steaming chicken, or a plate of meanly well done fried rice and a kawaida trademarked thufu’d(souped) stew, we’ll then sit for our meal. Now wait a second, someone somewhere just rolled their eyes. I knew that would happen. Is it the food? I knew it would be the food. Wanjira if it isn’t up to par I promise to improve, I give you my word.

We’ll eat our meal with hearty laughs from jokes from the both of us. If you’re reading this Wanjira, I’m not saying you must be funny, but please at least be able to laugh at jokes. I know a lot of them, there are saved pages and bookmarks on my browser among other things. *gulp*

Help a guy out, okay?

After we’re done, I’ll stand and pick our dishes and you’ll offer to help after you’ve picked yours too so I don’t notice. Well played. We do the dishes slowly because of a reason neither of us remembers, also as I’m aware engaging in hearty discussions (sic) is healthy sometimes.

A final clink of the last plate will be heard signalling the end of our evening. A final squint is stolen from both of us, I hope. I don’t want to look too desperate lest I face rejection at the point of the jump. Please steal a glance Wanjira, only just. I’ll offer you a glass of wine, I promise. Kindu fancy, all out. I was taught a glass is good for cholesterol, so what do you think, wanna be part of #TeamHealthy?

*crickets*

Wanjira please laugh at my silly line. I have put in all my effort and the mathematical equation for ‘mwanaume ni effort’ is at optimum levels.

As you leave, we share a final wave in the street outside through a cab window. At that final glance, will you smile? The one that knocks the wind out of me even in the street?

Please smile Wanjira.

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Have you ever?

Have you ever wanted to say so much but only so little came to your mind?

I have.

So many times as I drowned in a bottle and raced to the end of a blunt I had millions of thoughts running through my mind but I didn’t know just how to express them, afraid of laying myself bare before you for fear of what you’d think of the monsters that lurk in the crevices of my twisted mind.

Have you ever seen so many people around you happy and smiling as if their greatest desires had just been fulfilled by a genie in scenes straight out of Alladin?

I have.

Every day while stuck between my sorrows and regrets all I could see were happy couples and groups of friends laughing as they walked along the street sharing stories of events they’d been at the previous weekend, and how one of them had passed out during pre-drinks and barely even made it to the venue, but somehow, cheered on by his friends slapped himself silly and got there in the end.

Have you ever just wanted to quit your life and live as a mountain goat even?

I have.

Just get away from it all, albeit temporarily, and live in silence with the only sounds you could hear for miles is the stream as it falls into a shallow puddle and birds chirping above your head as you ponder what the universe has in store for you next? What hurdle will you have to jump over next? Will you give in to ‘circumstances’ rather than be the strong, self-reliant and confident person your mother always says you are when she has that gut feeling motherly instinct that something isn’t quite right with her dear baby?

In the midst of it all, however, I am reminded that the same hammer that breaks glass also forges steel.

From the ashes, forged by flames, a new life is formed and art created.

 

Let go

 

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Love is sweet when it’s true, sweeter when it’s real and sweetest when it’s you.

Anonymous.

This quote resonated with me for the longest time, but not anymore.

I had thought about quitting my blog for a long time, partly because I started to feel it had outgrown its usefulness in helping me get over the girl who broke my heart. The I realized there was so much more to my story, there were still people out there going through what I went through. Thus I decided to come back and do this for them.

More often than not we do not understand the dynamics of love, we tend to simplify it and think that it is simply a two-way thing; I love him(her) and (s)he loves me. Simple, right?

Wrong.

I started with that quote because the first part holds the greatest water. Love is sweet when its true. Its heart-warming, tummy-turning, mind-blowing ability to render one completely incapable of thinking about some life without this person by your side, in your life, all day every day until the robots rise up and wipe us all out(sic) is astonishing. Yet sometimes everyone gets a rude shock; the person they’re so hopelessly in love with doesn’t feel the same way and perhaps never had to begin with.

There is no greater injustice than lying to someone about feeling the same way they do about you when it’s all a hoax. Merely stringing someone along on what some describe as a beautiful journey only to later find out they had been so foolishly blinded by the person they put their hopes, trust and most importantly love into.

I say this because I, like many others have, was a victim of the lies and deception, unending apologies without ever questioning her. For a time it was as though I was possessed, her “faux love” had me hooked as though it was crystal meth or crack cocaine and I could not free myself from its iron-like grip. I still kept my trust in her that she’d know where her true loyalty lies, but eventually she just kept at it with the lies.

It broke me, but I put myself back together.

There’s no greater injustice to oneself than lowering one’s self worth just to feel loved or accepted by another person. Do not forget that that other person is human too and you owe them nothing. If they don’t know what they have make them miss it when you leave. Learn to let go.

Be yourself. Free yourself.

 

Live. Love. Laugh.

nullHow many times have you heard these words before regardless of the order? Most times we never think too much about them and instead we just move on with our lives and the routines that define them. Going by recent events I decided to dwell a little on these words that look so simply put together yet hold so much weight.

In our campus we recently lost two students under different circumstances in a span of a week and this came after I lost someone who I went to high school with a few months ago and it shook us all to the core, me in particular; people we knew and associated with all in the blink of an eye were gone and we were left reeling in the wake as to how short life really is.

Live.

Purpose to live every day and not just exist. Do not be content with simply being another human being using up the earth’s oxygen with nothing to show for it. Either help yourself in that moment or help others by growing yourself in one way or another that will come to be of use to someone later. People who know me tell me I am nice-I tend to think I am more comfortable doing things people have gotten used to assuming are normal. I’m not praising myself, just sharing. If there’s no water in the taps I’ll make sure they are closed so when the water is turned back on it doesn’t run all night. Go out at midnight and lie on the ground on a patch of grass and stare at the stars and let your mind wander until you get exhausted. Enjoy the little things because at any moment you may become just another memory in people’s minds.

Love.

You are probably saying to yourself “but isn’t that obvious?”

That may be so but sometimes we tend to get so involved in surviving a day at the office or a long lecture that we forget to appreciate and I mean REALLY appreciate those we share a special something with, be they your side chic or main chic. I will take a lot of heat for the side chic part but hey, I don’t mind.

If you have someone special in your life go out of your way to do things differently more often. Write them a text in the middle of the night saying how much they mean to you so when they wake up they’ll spend remembering it and smiling to themselves. Squeeze her hand under the table and look into her eyes when no one is looking and mouth the words you say most often that mean so much to her:

“I love you.”

So there’s a guy you like? Flirt with your eyes. Stare at him till he notices you and comes over but that does not mean that you have lower standards just because you made the first move. When he does talk to you, blow his mind with your confidence and self-worth so he doesn’t understand how you were that straightforward. That girl you like but can never bring yourself to talk to because you fear she might reject you? Well you will never know until you try. Perhaps she’s also been checking you out all the while dying inside hoping you make the first move. You may find her to be all you ever wanted in a girl and more. Life is too short to go through it alone with nobody to share and make special memories with. When you do find that special someone, make it 100%.

Laugh.

If you have internet and are reading this I assume you don’t live in a hole hence you must know of the man who was born with no arms and one not well developed foot. Regardless of his body he chose not to dwell on what he didn’t have but rather make due with what did. He can make a phone call, swim and even live by himself with little problem. If you listen to him talk you will realize there are worse things than whatever you are going through. It always gets better if you are committed to trying and making it better. Call your friends, turn off your phones, throw your blankets on the floor and have a good laugh all night long until you fall asleep to the goofiest person’s jokes. Find a good comedy show to watch and follow it religiously, watch cat vines on YouTube until your ribs hurt, make fun of your friends until they want to kill you but love you too much to do it.

Every minute we’re alive we don’t know what is going to happen next so let nothing or no one stop you from being yourself and living to the max.

Be weird. Be random. Be you.

Live. Love. Laugh.

Memories

Hello everyone, I have dearly missed you all. I hit a bit of a writer’s block and I know, a month and a half looks like too long a period you would say but you wouldn’t comprehend the maze that is my mind but  cheers all around- MidtownFunk is back.

*harlem shakes, cue entry music and fireworks*

I have been trying to figure out how to move forward with my thoughts ever since I returned to school and had to face her, her the girl who broke my heart whom you’ve all come to know. This was bound to happen eventually and so I was dreading it so much that it consumed me and caused the block. Today I will delve into my interaction with her thus far and how much of an emotional roller coaster it has been for me.

I never thought for a single day in my life someone would cause me so much pain and happiness in a single moment as she did that morning I saw her. She was exactly how I remembered her; pretty with a smile that could light up a village on a starless, moonless night. Her hair smelt exactly as it did the last time I was as close to her, not exactly daisies but you get my drift. Her skin against elicited the same pulsating electricity that caused a tingling which brought back memories of tender loving all those months ago as we lay side by side in bed gazing into each others’ eyes, not uttering a word but speaking volumes in that moment. Lord knows how I dreaded letting her go from that hug.

My heart was conflicted, it felt as though it was being pulled apart at the seams all over again but this time I didn’t want it to end. All those nights I spent hating her were all for nothing, it just got eroded as I stared into the eyes that I fell in love with. As I write this it has been two years six days since I shook her hand for the first time. This is going to be a rough couple of days because so much happened between us the next couple of days after we met and I felt it would only be fitting to reminisce seeing as I’m already a wreck after seeing her after all this while.

It should have been us.. But we don’t always get what we want do we?

It has been two years, six days of my life’s greatest love and hurt journey, and I’d do it over again in a heartbeat.

Life Thus Far

The greatest battle is between what you know and what you feel.

Never before had a phrase resonated with me as much as this one did. Granted I’d read it a while back but only recently did it come to the front of my mind.

I have been away from this blog of mine a minute but I’m back now. I trust you all have been well unlike myself.

I began with that quote because of an incident that happened a few weeks back. The girl who broke my heart, who inspired me to share my pain here as a way out, texted me. Now I know what you are thinking, “It’s just a text what’s the big deal?.. So what?”

I know it seems petty but it wasn’t. Over the past two months I had made significant strides in erasing her from my thoughts. There were nights I woke up having been dreaming of her sweating with my heart pounding in my ears. Any thought I got of her traumatized me because it would elicit so many memories which would in turn cause feelings to start creeping back.

So you can imagine what I was going through when I saw that text. Worse still it was 6.30am so right away I knew I was going to have a horrible day-which I did.

I sat up in my bed for 10 minutes gathering my thoughts that had just been derailed seconds after waking up. I called my best friend and told her everything and she could feel my voice tremble as I treaded the thin line between anger and sadness. We spoke at length and she did her best to cheer me up but that ship had sailed already.

The reason for all this is to show the aftermath of every heartbreak is very difficult. You get over the hurt but you struggle so much to fight the memories.

Feelings fade. Memories don’t.

When you keep yourself away from that person it is because you want to move on from them and get on with your life. When that person disrupts your process, it is the equivalent of disarranging a room belonging to someone with OCD; it is nerve-racking.

The only thing that keeps you going is the thought that everything happens for a reason, call it fate, destiny or God, whichever suits your liking. Change is inevitable and all we can do is accept this change rather than fight a losing battle. I’m not a sob, I’m a man who loved, made mistakes and if that is wrong then go take your opinion elsewhere.

Most people are of the opinion that when a man ends a relationship all is well. This is only true if he didn’t love her anymore or she cheated.

When you love someone as much as I did and then they go and mess with you the way she did guaranteed you will find yourself in my shoes. However, I refuse to let her define me. I refuse to dwell on a past that could have been and instead choose to focus on what is coming. This is life so far.

Rather than asking for a lighter load, ask for a stronger back.

 

The Line

imagenes-de-los-minions-con-frases-check-in-minionOla! I would speak minion but sadly I don’t know the language. Heavens I love these little things(almost as much as Oh-the Boov).. I am sorry, I’m 20 something on my ID but five in my head. My best friends know this all too well 🙂

Well now that I have shown you I’m really a toddler with a keyboard, on to today’s subject; the line

*thunder strikes, cat hits a garbage bin, brakes screech*

Seriously though, I don’t know where this stuff is coming from.

Yesterday I was on a coffee date with my best friend whom I hadn’t seen in a while because of her crazy schoolwork and let’s just say watching paint dry is more fun than her life the past month.

*ducks from incoming shoe* Well it’s true!

I got around to telling her all I’ve been writing about here in detail and several times she almost choked me for not telling her some of these things earlier before I did a post about them.

So I very quickly turned the heat on her about this boy she likes. You should have seen how quickly she turned pink and almost hit me with a teaspoon.

In February she went through this hurt with some other douche who tried to come back again and ended up causing more hurt. I always had a gut feeling about him and tried telling her severally but..let me hold my tongue for the sake of all the feminists out there.

Onto this boy who causes my best friend’s eyelids to flutter like a butterfly’s wings. They are in the same class and started talking around the same time this hurt of hers happened.

An occasional hello, small talk which escalated into hanging out and really becoming great friends. It turns out he had also gone through a breakup and my best friend got him through it through her constant presence in his life.

Yeah, heartbreaks are being dished out left, right and centre. Hurry while stocks last!

Okay okay that was the last one. Moving on…

So they continue being friends and eventually the guy confesses his feelings for her. He is and I quote “..sweet without trying, cute, smart, witty, an awesome listener and an amazing person overall..”. Small problem-His flaws.

Where do you draw the line with someone’s flaws? When do they become a problem for you? When do you say you cannot handle them?

We are human. It is our nature to be imperfect. No matter how hard we try to be perfect we can’t. In this same breath we have our flaws. Lord knows I embrace mine. I love them because they make me who I am and I wouldn’t dare change for anything or anyone.

However, it gets to a point where a compromise has to be met if they are a serious issue in a relationship. For example, I may love my food really salty while she may not. Do I start insisting she eat salt? No, we compromise.

This boy, she says, is sometimes immature and rash; a trait that exists in all of us in varying quantities. These factors along with her own issues are keeping her from dating him. He has shown her severally that he is willing to wait as long as it takes for her to get over the other guy, never rushing her and always there for her to talk to.

The most recent was when in the middle of their conversation he took her hand in his, placed it on his chest, inhaled deeply while staring deep into her hazel eyes and said “..When you’re ready know you have a place in my heart..”

Smoother than hair gel is what I told her.

No matter how badly a guy wants to bed you, he will not do these things. Help you with your ex? That’s baggage we avoid like a nuclear waste site. He is showing real genuine effort and affection for her.

Where to draw the line when the flaws become too big an issue is her concern.

My take was this; if you can communicate your concerns about things that bother you about the other person, it is possible for them to adjust accordingly or for you to help them change if need be. Only if you communicate and talk to the person.

In the words of K-Dot a.k.a. Kendrick Lamar, “communication saves relations”. Whether diplomatic or personal doesn’t matter.

I said earlier that a relationship should grow you and make you want to be a better person. If these flaws of yours are a genuine concern for her then together you can work something out. They should not stop the other person from loving you. I advocate for keeping them but adjust accordingly if they’re a genuine problem.

Find where to draw the line at.